It’s been a while since I’ve written an update. My last one was back in April, not long after Momma passed away. If I’m being completely honest, I’m still struggling with her death and probably always will. But somehow, while grief has been prominent, life just kept moving. And so much has happened!
Before Momma passed, she got the ball rolling for a lemonade stand fundraiser at James’s preschool for the BDSRA Foundation. This lemonade stand turned into something awesome, raising almost $3,000 for the BDSRA! I know momma would have been so proud of the preschool and it means even more knowing that she had a hand in getting it started.
Then James graduated preschool and yes, we had ALL the feelings about that. It’s like I blinked and suddenly he was graduating preschool. He’s growing up entirely too fast.
We squeezed in a couple of beach trips, moved back to our house so we could have some more room (especially with baby Burr on the way), and in May, we took a trip to Savannah. Savannah was awesome and it was so nice to get away for a bit. We watched so many massive cargo ships come down the river. James thought they were pretty cool… for about the first three or four. After that, people watching was much more interesting.
We rode the trolley a couple of times, watched several other trolleys and busses drive by, managed to spot a garbage truck — obviously an important attraction when traveling with James — and, perhaps most importantly, we did NOT stay in any haunted hotels. I consider the trip a success.
And then our family got a little bigger.
Baby Charles decided he didn't feel like waiting until his scheduled arrival and made his appearance about three and a half weeks early after I developed severe preeclampsia. Thankfully, my numbers were only just over the threshold for it to be categorized as severe, and Charles arrived safely. And having a C-section is very interesting in terms of the feeling and mentality. Being awake and knowing a baby is coming out of you is… different — but not in a bad way! Recovery wasn’t too terrible either, thankfully. If you asked Cory, he’d say I overdid it, in which I plead the fifth.
Now Charles growing like a weed. He's eating well, sleeping well, and overall is a pretty chill little baby. And James? James is OBSESSED with him. He wants to help with absolutely everything and in any way we'll let him. Watching him love his baby brother has been one of the sweetest things in the world.
As for me… what is sleep? Although, I really can't complain too much. The nighttime feedings haven't been terrible, and we have had an incredible support system. My husband, Dad, aunt, and mother-in-law have truly been a Godsend. I don't know how I would have gotten through these last few months without them.
But there is always someone missing. Momma was supposed to be here for all of this. She was supposed to meet Charles. She was supposed to watch James finish preschool and start kindergarten. She was supposed to be here for the chaos, the excitement, the sleepless nights, and all these little moments in between. I know she's here spiritually (I believe that with my whole heart) but that doesn't make missing her any easier.
Charles's name has a little bit of our family woven into it. Charles is a family name on both sides, and his middle name, Andrew, is for Momma who was named Ann. That makes his initials C.A.B. Maybe we didn't think that one through quite enough.
And speaking of huge milestones, James started KINDERGARTEN!
I cannot quite describe the amount of stress and anxiety that went into the weeks leading up to his first day. Preschool was private, and now James is in public school. With everything that comes along with James and Batten disease — his seizures, his vision, his needs, and simply trusting other people with our boy — the idea of sending him into such a different environment was terrifying.
But this school has been incredible. The way they have welcomed James, cared for him, communicated with us, and made sure he is safe and included has been such a relief. It honestly feels like we never left the loving environment he had at preschool. I don't think they will ever fully understand how much that means to us.
Of course, because apparently our lives weren't quite chaotic enough already, life has continued throwing us curveballs.
Leaking pipes under the house? Check. Leaky faucets? Check. Vehicle repairs? Check.
Because doesn’t start breaking when you have a newborn, a kindergartner, medical appointments, and approximately 42 other things happening all at once? You know that saying, “God gives His toughest battles to His strongest warriors”?
Well, respectfully, He is more than welcome to find other warriors or make me a different kind of warrior! Maybe God's strongest napper? God's strongest beach-sitter? I'm available for either position. But seriously, through all the chaos, grief, change, stress, and exhaustion, there has been so much good.
James and Charles are growing. James absolutely loves being a big brother. We have incredible people surrounding us who show up when we need them. We have a school that has welcomed James with open arms (Momma would be so happy). We’ve made memories at the beach and in Savannah. A lemonade stand raised almost $3,000 for a cause that means everything to our family and we’re still moving forward.
I wish Momma were physically here to see all of it. There are so many times I still want to pick up the phone and tell her something, ask her something, or just hear her voice. Grief doesn't disappear just because life gets busy. If anything, the happiest moments make you notice that loss even more. And once the busy is over, it’s difficult not to dwell. It’s okay to be incredibly grateful and still incredibly sad.
We’re excited about James starting kindergarten and wishing she were here to see him walk through those elementary doors where she worked and I went to school. We can be exhausted, overwhelmed, grateful, heartbroken, and happy — sometimes all within the same five minutes.
I guess that's just where life has us right now.
And if the next few months could involve slightly fewer curveballs, fewer leaking pipes, and maybe just a little more sleep… that would be great.